Be Careful What You Pray For

“Take my life take all that I am, with all that I am I will love you” “Surrender” “Christ is enough for me” “He is all we need” “strip everything away till all I have is you” “You are my everything” “All my hope is in you”

Maybe you know these songs, I’ve sung them all a hundred times. I guess what I’m trying to say is to be careful what you pray for, because he just might answer. Now I’m not gonna as far to say that I feel like I’m Job from the Bible or anything, but I definitely feel like God has taken a lot from me recently. When I used to pray “have your will be done” or “take my life” I didn’t quite realize what that would look like.

In Bolivia I really do have so much, but I feel as if he has taken my life. There are some days where I miss my friends, family, especially house group. Everything I once knew is gone, and although I really love Bolivia it’s a foreign place. The food I once knew, church I once knew, people I once knew, places I was accustomed to, they’re all gone. Now, I do have a roommate so thankfully I do speak English pretty much everyday, but she’s not working at the center yet, and I’m pretty much alone.
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Sometimes the wifi just doesn’t work, power goes out, or car doesn’t start. I’ve had to learn to live with Jesus as my everything. When I was lonely, Jesus. When I’m  bored, Bible. When I feel lost, pray.
It’s something that I’m so grateful for. Because when everything you once knew is gone, it really does give you perspective.
The seasons here are different. Right now is spring and summer vacation starts in December for the kids. Also, recently there has been a lot of wind which is incredibly rare. I mean wind so strong I almost fell over the other day!
So about two weeks ago I started to get a sick. I thought it was just a cold but after about a week I realized that this wasn’t just a runny nose. I stopped sleeping, at the most three hours a night, my head ached, chills and sweats, small fever, sometimes at night I couldn’t breathe because of my nose. I started to worry. After a week and a half we realized I had something worse than a cold.  The idea of going to a doctor scared me to death because the hospitals here are not ideal. I’ve heard many horror stories of doctors messing up surgery, giving wrong medication, using unclean tools.
There was a point where I just started sobbing in the bathroom mainly because of my head, but also being so sick and not knowing what to do.
Thankfully I called my mom. I had brought some antibiotics for my stomach but it turned out to be a zpack so I took it for three days! For the next week I still had a runny nose, cough, but now I can say I’m back to normal!
But while I was sick, that was the moment I felt like I was incredibly alone. I have an amazing host family, but it’s not the same as the people I had back home. I honestly don’t think I would have been able to do this without God. I just feel this peace after everyday, that he’s there, he’s the only one who will always be with me.
Ruth seems to be doing better, not like before, but even the little progress is incredible. She is starting to work on letter sounds, and although there are bad days, I can see how God is changing her. I can’t thank you enough for the prayers, because they truly make a difference.
I think all of us go through times where we are lonely, even when we are surrounded by people we can feel alone in our thoughts. But there is someone who understands. Although this has definitely been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and although at first it was a huge transition, it’s so worth it. God has shown me that he is really all we need.
I think Psalms were written for the discouraged soul.
Some would say God is trying to get me down, but what I’ve found is that I’m closer to him, and without the discouragement and loneliness I don’t know if I would have turned to God. If everything was perfect, fun, and easy I never would turn to God, and to be honest, to know him is worth any pain. One night I wanted to give up, I wanted to go home, I felt useless, but this encouraged me and it might just encourage you too.

“Day and night I have only tears for food,
    while my enemies continually taunt me, saying,
    “Where is this God of yours?”
 My heart is breaking
    as I remember how it used to be:
I walked among the crowds of worshipers,
    leading a great procession to the house of God,
singing for joy and giving thanks
    amid the sound of a great celebration!
Why am I discouraged?
    Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
    I will praise him again--
    my Savior and my God!
                   ….
“O God my rock,” I cry,
    “Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I wander around in grief,
    oppressed by my enemies?”
 Their taunts break my bones.
    They scoff, “Where is this God of yours?”
 Why am I discouraged?
    Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
    I will praise him again--
    my Savior and my God!”
           -Psalm 42-