Grey

Coming out of a hard 10 days of my life I wanna say this:

Wait and see.

In times of struggle what if it is possible to fully feel the stress, weight, and worry of the situation while simultaneously feeling gratitude, ease, trust, and joy? 

I lost myself this past week, 

expecting healing that didn’t happen, deliverance that didn’t get determined by freedom, and questions that I simply did not have answers to.
I noticed myself losing my love, zest, and zeal. I noticed selfish patterns of thinking, wondering,
what happened to the girl that had a heart to give, eyes to see, and a natural reaction to put others first?
I learned that without him as a foundation, I do lose myself. I am weak. I am emotional. I am offended. I am lonely, scared, overwhelmed, and exhausted. I cry myself to sleep. Within all this, I learned that I am okay with the grey. I still don’t know why healing doesn't happen. I still don’t understand the inaugurated kingdom or doctrine of the trinity. It’s grey.
But I know this: God is real.
Whether you take the logical way through apologetics, watch a sunset, or watch someone who is dead raised to life, I know he is real. I've experienced all. 
God is God and I am not. 
I am grateful to believe in a God that I can’t fully understand. It would actually be quite sad if I could.  
I believe in God, not just a doctrine.
The grey grows us. 
The grey keeps us humble. 
The grey is like air we breathe with 78% nitrogen. If it was 100%, it would kill us. But in that very same air is the oxygen that is perfectly balanced to sustain us. 
When you look back you can see it right? We look back and think about how worried we were about things. And we laugh. 
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If only we had just waited to see. We get to rest in one who has a vantage point from heaven.
I know there is real suffering that needs to be dealt with, real problems that require action, but whether you are in these categories or between these lines, don’t lose this fundamental human need:

hope.

I did.
We can have hope in the grey of life. I actually think hope flourishes best in grey climates. I don’t know about you, but I want to live a life of faith.
What I’m learning? Hold fast to essentials. Whatever way you come to believe the simple gospel, hold onto it tightly and do not let go, but it is okay to not have answers to everything else. I think we need to be more academic, crack some books open, and look for them but not as if our life depends on them, because they don’t.
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We depend on him, not a doctrine. 

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